somewhere close in your delusional state, clarity and the simplicity of things surface. The need for beating your head against a wall comes to a subtle halt.
Sometimes it becomes clear as day during the boggy, heaving, breath shortening coughing jag. Sometimes a solution surfaces through the thick sediment that clogs your lungs and slows your oxygen exchange.
Sometimes the answer you are looking for in someone else is actually lodged in your own throat. Maybe this is why your someone else will not say what you want to hear, will not step up and take the place you hold for them, because in fact what you believe you need is not found in this other, but is actually waiting inside of yourself. Maybe it's ready to come up and out if you only suffer the reality and cough through the painful expulsion of festering dreams that lead you so appealing astray.
Sometimes it takes a suffocating, nauseating episode for you to recognize that what you have needed and wanted all along lies in wait within and not without.
Maybe the love you seek and the love you want to give isn't intended to come and go to and from one source, but perhaps there is a grander plan. Perhaps the source of love is something you must generate and maybe there is an entire audience, not a single partner, who this love you feel the desire to press out is meant to go toward.
With the gooseflesh and the chills, the sweats and the twists and rolls inside your belly, you feel not only unwell, but stripped bare, for the first time in a while.
Maybe you don't need "love-love" and maybe you don't have to pawn it off on someone who seems reluctant to have it.
Maybe you can find a better way. Maybe you are wrong to say your prayers for this one thing and maybe it's better to let go of that and grab hold of this instead.... Do what you love and the love will follow; heaps and heaps, bunches and bunches. Rest assured that there will be more then enough to go around and around, circling your heart again and again, holding tight to what you've held dear.
Why cling to someone who isn't clinging back?
Embrace yourself and your gifts and then give them to many and open yourself to a bigger love.
Screw the fever reducer, no more cough syrup, no more suppressants.
Let it go, feel unwell and recover with knowledge of something that hurts but in time will go away, like a bad cold and an unanswered prayer, an untrue dream, an unrequited affection.
Accept the clarity of a raised temperature and let the exposure you endure expose you not only to germs but to the harsh reality of life.
Cough it up, let it out.
Clear yourself, clear your throat, clear your head and clear your path.
Desire more, give more, open to more.
Cross over
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