For an hour, maybe more I have been trying to justify in my mind my unexplainable need/desire to take a nap. I want one, but do I need one? Does anyone past the age of four actually ever need one? Probably not, but that doesn't change my longing to lie down in the delicious day, just for a little while. But still I can't seem to go there. I'm bargaining inside.
For example, I tell myself;
a) I got up early
b) I've run several inconvenient errands (everything is inconvenient when you live where I do) When I drove out of my canyon this morning, I navigated a crowded car show and nearly killed a drunken spectator at only 9:00 in the morning. That was surely exhausting for me. Right?
c) already I've exercised and walked the dogs along the dry creek beds
d) have done laundry, run the dish washer, watered potted flowers on the porch, meticulously folded sheets.
Then I point out to just myself that no one will notice or mind, except apparently me.
I cannot let myself have this guilty pleasure and I wonder why?
Then suddenly I'm reminded of a crazy song I heard in a crazy town with my crazy girlfriends one crazy night long ago. It was called, "I Like to Take a Nap in The Middle of the Day". I heard it in Santa Fe, New Mexico, at a funky bar, in the center of that perfect, precious, pedantic place.
Things I recall about Santa Fe...
Dinner at The Pink Adobe
My old, soft, black leather jacket
An envelope filled with sacred soil
Sage brush
How the town looks like silver at sunset
Salt circling the rim of a cold margarita stinging my perpetually drying lips
Ten Thousand Waves
Our white, rented van nicknamed Moby Dick
A secretly placed blue heart
There is no substitute for an Egg McMuffin ( I learned the hard way)
Nancy's tapestry
Cindy's incident
Scootering
My silver heart bracelet inscribed, Santa Fe Forever
The Gluey Brother's singing, I Like to Take a Nap in the Middle of the Day...
It almost doesn't matter what new thing I'm doing exactly or at what age I start doing it. Whether it was my first day of Kindergarten, first kiss, first love, opening my own premier checking account, moving abroad for the first time to France at the age of 21, starting my new career at 29 which was truly my first, serious job, giving birth to my first child, or perhaps something simpler but not necessarily less monumental then most of my "firsts", walking solo into a concert hall to see my favorite artist and taking my seat in the first row; the feelings associated with doing something I've never done before are pretty much rooted in the same soil - fear. For me, FIRST = FEAR. I am always a little scared to do something I've never done before. This leaves me in the position of being somewhat close to feeling frightened daily. As a matter of fact, the only things I'm not afraid of are the "givens" in life; death, taxes, pain, aging. All those guarantees, those things that we expect to come, what we anticipate hurting are not remotely scary to me. What is more troublesome are the potential joys of life, the things that come and raise me up, the beauty that I see and the fear that it'll fade. Things that may give me great happiness are quite disturbing to my peace of mind. What might make me feel good, quite likely will lead to the opposite end of the spectrum, well maybe. The things that I fear most are the things that can alter my state from contentedness to catastrophic euphoria. Drudgery is inevitable and therefore sort of easy to deal with. It's expected and I can prepare for it. Whereas possibility, potential, these things are hard, for me anyway, because they open me up and leave me exposed to the elements of gladness, giddiness and feeling fabulous. Once there, the fall can be awfully devastating. Scary.
Jim Morrison said; "Expose yourself to your deepest fear: after that, fear has no power and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free"
Everyday is a new day and there is something unknown to be scared of, but being scared and moving forward also means that you're being brave. It's not brave behavior unless you're scared, right? Consider me brave then. The only thing guaranteed in my life anymore is that I'll be a little afraid of some thing each and every day. Happiness is frightening, but bring it on... I guarantee you, I'll be glad to have felt afraid in my life.
