It almost doesn't matter what new thing I'm doing exactly or at what age I start doing it. Whether it was my first day of Kindergarten, first kiss, first love, opening my own premier checking account, moving abroad for the first time to France at the age of 21, starting my new career at 29 which was truly my first, serious job, giving birth to my first child, or perhaps something simpler but not necessarily less monumental then most of my "firsts", walking solo into a concert hall to see my favorite artist and taking my seat in the first row; the feelings associated with doing something I've never done before are pretty much rooted in the same soil - fear. For me, FIRST = FEAR. I am always a little scared to do something I've never done before. This leaves me in the position of being somewhat close to feeling frightened daily. As a matter of fact, the only things I'm not afraid of are the "givens" in life; death, taxes, pain, aging. All those guarantees, those things that we expect to come, what we anticipate hurting are not remotely scary to me. What is more troublesome are the potential joys of life, the things that come and raise me up, the beauty that I see and the fear that it'll fade. Things that may give me great happiness are quite disturbing to my peace of mind. What might make me feel good, quite likely will lead to the opposite end of the spectrum, well maybe. The things that I fear most are the things that can alter my state from contentedness to catastrophic euphoria. Drudgery is inevitable and therefore sort of easy to deal with. It's expected and I can prepare for it. Whereas possibility, potential, these things are hard, for me anyway, because they open me up and leave me exposed to the elements of gladness, giddiness and feeling fabulous. Once there, the fall can be awfully devastating. Scary.
Jim Morrison said; "Expose yourself to your deepest fear: after that, fear has no power and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free"
Everyday is a new day and there is something unknown to be scared of, but being scared and moving forward also means that you're being brave. It's not brave behavior unless you're scared, right?
Consider me brave then. The only thing guaranteed in my life anymore is that I'll be a little afraid of some thing each and every day. Happiness is frightening, but bring it on... I guarantee you, I'll be glad to have felt afraid in my life.
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