the fine mingling of art and living

...And so I think that seeing the whales surfacing and diving again and again today means more then it does.   

I think because I'm all open inside and vulnerable and engaged in my life, that being a mere few feet away from the largest mammals on the planet indicates that my life is special,  I'm blessed, its peachy-keen-ness personified, which it can be and sometimes is.

And yes, things eventually go my way; this is relatively true and if not true, then in time I go the way of things.  So in that regard, without much notice those things and my way intermingle and I feel kinda lucky.

And maybe things are going my way, maybe the whales are signs of beneficence,  but what I realize later on in the day, the day the whales made me feel blessed, is that my way is not so important...

I really care a whole lot more about the way things go for them, for the ones I love.

I could give a flying/swimming shi_t about what I have to deal with, overcome, surmount, forge through, figure out, live with or in more cases then not, live without.   That is easy-peasy.  Whats not easy is when I can't deliver on my word or present those I care for with what they deserve, desire, need, should have and not have to go without... or perhaps it is only what I desire for them.  

I want to want nothing sometimes, so that everything that comes is an unexpected gift and even more so, so that the things that never arrive aren't ever missed.

It's raining hard.

The whales will be getting wet now.

Art school, f_rt school.

You are my favorite Artist H and I have a Chagal, I mean a Dali.  So there.

Who knows better then I?   No one, not even the whales, a hundred feet long...

love languages

And heaven knows what might have tweaked her mood during the course of the school day.
Its hard to be around people all day, for her.  It is.
Many afternoons she is semi glum when I fetch her.
Some days glum is an understatement.

And I get it, but just because I get it, doesn't mean I am perfect at dealing with it always.

"Why are you pulling up here?"

"What are you doing now?"

"What?

"MOM!"

and then.. "What are you thinking MOM?"  

And it was that last one, the "what are you thinking"  which insinuated that I was not thinking at all, that comment and here comes my no longer suppressed snap back, "STOP!" which is not what I want, I've no desire to stop the communication with someone who struggles to speak at all sometimes, much of the time, but this is what it comes to.

Sometimes.

  Sometimes - like when she wants to control every single thing, but doesn't need to.  

and I just want her to let go of what is not hers to worry about.  But there are times when she won't or can't and so she doesn't.  Instead she gets sad - sadder and also tense and also uptight and more then semi glum for sure.    Sigh.

There is nothing I can say to shift the mood, boost morale, change the tone of things.  I am in the "wrong" column now.   So... I do what any reasonable mother would do - I speak in tongues; I talk like the big dog does or would if he could, which he can't, but he does...

"Girl, why you am so sad, Girl?   You am mine favorite person-able in da world Girl.  You am."

This is what I have decided, pretty much by accident, that our large, yellow dog would sound like if he could talk.   And this is where I go and how I speak and what I say when I want to reach her, teach her, touch her, but being me is not remotely enough.

He's says, "Girl, I am you dog.  You am mine girl.  I am love you Girl.

When you go Girl, I am lonesomely and I am bored too and I am lick mine fur and bite mine tail until you come home Girl.  And dats all.  Yup.  Am.  Dats all Girl"

And she laughs a little and then it's different and it shifts and we are moving towards okay and I am back in the driver's seat and she is not asking why and what and huh and all the contrary questions that were on the tip of her tongue go away and it's easier to be us when I am the dog.

I don't think this is exactly what the author of The 5 Love Languages had in mind when he wrote the book on how to communicate your love to the ones you love, but here, with us, sometimes...

"This am all it takes to show you love.  Dats it.  Dats all.  Am.  Yup.  I am love you Girl,  Foreverness.  Even when it's hard and even when you bossy and even when you abstinent and den you go quiet.  I am love you Girl, no matter what".