screwed

My box is small, weighs light, but to me - its high, this is heavy.
To you, I'm spastic, to me, I'm  practically elastic  - compared to where I was and who I was and how, back when.


I can remember Aaron saying he'd catch me if I fell, only a short, long year ago
I looked for him today to see if he would come back, stand there, catch me if I should happen to catch my foot as I hop up.  I have this overwhelming, not entirely irrational fear of breaking my teeth while I attempt box jumps, even on the itty bitty guy.  
He's nowhere in site, but obviously still in my head, so I do it, teeth breaking fear and all.
Each jump is a leap of faith for me at my age, 47, with, as I like to refer to it, my literally "screwed up" and screwed in leg.
I can't be flexible.  Ironically, physical inflexibility, being stiff and sore, left me little choice but to at least try to become, well, flexible.   And to do that, I had to and still have to continue to literally ignore, if not surpass my limitations, all of them, mind and body.
Though I'm not strong, I can't tell you the strength I have inside and how I push  myself to try to show up.  I can't express how hard of an exercise in self discipline it is for me just to walk in and partake of this amazing, exhilarating, exhausting, excruciating, most excellent form of incredible torture and exercise called Crossfit.


I hate to talk about it and I hate to use it/excuse it and myself for having it, but it's there and it's a pain, literally and figuratively.  It's ugly and it prevents me from being remotely graceful and there is no way around it.  I'm stuck with a fuc_ed up leg... but, on the bright side, it's not as bad as it used to be.
I feel better, stronger then I knew I could and because of that, I'll jump or more like thump my way up onto that smallest box.




...what I lack in range of motion, I make up for with my wide range of emotion...


Every time I make myself show up, I feel more unexpected gratitude, which leads to an emotional latitude, which in turn allows me to feel happier  and stronger in every conceivable, inconceivable way.
Its like love, at first leap/box-jump, which means that I apparently technically love the little guy; the tiny box and I do... 




Without the patience and the ever present assistance of the trainers and sometimes the well intentioned do-gooders/can't help but want to help ya do betters, who thrive at my gym,  I'd absolutely be lost and limping.   No doubt about it. So thank you, for sure.