pensivity...

pensive...

And why should this relationship be any different?

I'm always pensive, waiting for a reaction.

I can remember a time when I was braver and I'd act to cause a reaction

but that was long, long, long ago and hardly me.

I'm the woman with 100 pair of high heels who wears mainly flat shoes

I'm the one who doesn't open her mail, but pays bills on time and in the most unorthodox ways, just to avoid the direct insult of looking at the cost of this life we live.

I'm the mother who'd rather perish then upset her children, ever.

I'm the lady who can sugar coat a peppercorn, if need be.

But there is one relationship I can't dance around.

There's someone who can see right through me

and as a result, I've never felt so open.

yep - the horse.

Sorry folks, it comes back to it, him, that...

Just months ago I was afraid, but excited

Past few weeks, less scared, still excited but always cautious

People said this - that - the other thing, but it's just words until it's your experience...

I don't know for how long, but I can assure you this, it's becoming routine -

When I stand in front of him, after having walked him round, lunged him good and tired, brushed him soft as new, we meet eye to eye, standing in the cleaning stall, all our chores behind us...  and in time, his nose manages to choose a route to meet my nose, with the tenderness of two timid teenagers ready for a first kiss, just maybe.   And from his massive nostrils comes warm breath, steam that blasts my lips and chin like babies breath from a volcano.  And this produces an unstoppable curvature from the sides of my own mouth upward.    It's a goof.   This whole horse kissing thing is a magic bullet of happiness which I can't explain well at all.   How I wish I could do it justice.   My heart races and my insides flip flop, while my mind stills, like it never does and I'm finally no longer pensive...

Until something breaks this fragile connection, like a leaf falling or a girls laughter, a dog barking, a horn blowing, a motorcycle roaring.   Like a clock ticking, we come together, the thing I've feared largely, the virtual commitment - of which I've been a life long phobe... Bliss, but not for long... and then I'm comfortably uncomfortable pensive again

Later, in my kitchen, making Chicken Tortilla  Soup without the benefit of a recipe, I think about the kiss.  I know I'm smiling and I don't know how to explain why to anyone near me, nor do I care to.   I only want to acknowledge that this precious gift called life is

one long as_, scary ride, but I love standing up in the middle of it all and feeling it.  I love making all those hard to make choices and mucking up the messes only to feel the reward; which in this case would be, the breath of a beast bigger then 4 of me, against my face.

And I feel like a rock, strong and solid in the wind which sweeps cross a beautiful world, 

steady, obscure, grounded, ready to roll, substantial and insignificant, in other words - perfect...

Until I'm pensive again...