resolutions schmezolutions.
I like em. I do. I like the idea of clean slates, new beginnings as much as anyone.
Like a new car; no dents, full tank, new wipers, bright headlights -- just add an open road.
Yet, try as I might, I can't keep my resolutions, well at least not entirely. And I wonder why.
Today as I moved round my house, accomplishing nothing much, but in this lack of accomplishment my thoughts had the opportunity to go full circle.
Full circle is a good thing.
My resolution for the year 2013 was; "be open to more and feel less guilt". For what good is there in being open if truly unreceptive? It's like taking a voyage without suitcases but carrying heaps of in-obvious baggage.
Not much good about that.
Today I contemplated my past and then more recent resolutions and what exactly they were founded in.
It's almost as if I wanted to resolve to forget myself. Leave behind bits and pieces of me that didn't pan out or produce the desired affect. Like I wanted to absolve me of, well, being me. Not so easy.
And so I wondered what about myself and what I did last year
and the year before that
and the year before that
and before that
and before that
what about me and "her" and who I was did I not just love and adore?
What about me did I not want to take into my future? And in the end, the end of my thoughts and the END of 2012, I concluded that there was not much about me that I didn't really love. There was plenty I was ashamed of. Tons I would have done differently knowing what I know now. Much I should or could apologize for, perhaps. Some I'd like to hide or consider lying about, but not really. Nope, not really. Because if I didn't have that, if I didn't do, see, feel or take part in all of that, then I'd not be this. And what is this? This is a woman who loves her parents, despite the odds. This is a mother who can't get enough of her kids. A sister who adores her siblings, more so each passing year. A friend who can never repay the kindnesses shown to her. A responsible pet owner who resists the urge to euthanize her dogs for being a-holes regularly and doing things like eating the last Duraflame log ( I really felt like a semi-artificial fire that night). A volunteer who isn't afraid to hug other people's children, despite the social stigma. A nurse who loathes the healthcare system. An investor who fears the bank. A chick who buys dresses without having anyone to wear them for. Someone who says no, but means yes and vice versa. A female who is not afraid to live alone, independent utterly. A choice maker who makes decisions and deals with the results, good and bad... and here is the kicker, when you deal with your choices, in the end, there isn't any good or bad - there is just change.
AND change is good.
I am a mess but not really, not when I look at myself with eyes that don't see everything I ever did and was and wasn't. I am in fact the anti-mess. I am just fine or really fabulously close to fine.
So - I wouldn't neaten my life up given the oportunity. I would not have kept those now seemingly silly little resolutions I made before. I wouldn't change a thing about it all. I wouldn't dare go into the uncertain future unless I'd experienced the unavoidable mistakes and rewards of my past.
I wouldn't alter a thing, except maybe one - I'd have accepted myself for just exactly who I am/was/am.
That alone requires a huge amount of resolve.
RESOLUTION 2013, accept yourself.
It's alll about you.
Happy New Year.
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